Well I've finished reading "the Vision" and now I'm at a loss. That book had some really deep things in it that I am afraid I will never be able to understand. I put more and more efforts into getting to tracker school in two weeks. I am full of fear. Though I do what I can to try and make this happen. I am motivated but still full of fear.
Am I ready for this? Have I earned it?

The past few months I have been just unbelievably confused. Confused about so many things like; love, dating, relationships, sex, my financial problems, home, cars, all my motivations in life, travel, job possibilities, massage work, healing arts, yoga, meditations, judo, the books I've been reading, all of that along with the many other things that I have manifested into or out of my life.
Having done such constant introspect, I have to admit that I am no closer to coming up with any answers or solutions to any of my current problems in my life. I really don't understand how this society works or why it has continued to work.
-Why we pay money to insurance companies to provide us with a service and then when we do get in an accident we are too scarred to use that service? Why do we put up with this?
-Why do we settle for medial jobs that are so wasteful of our time, resources. Most of the time they are all about profit and screwing the hard working guy/girl on the bottom and destroying the environment in the process. Most of the time they are corrupt and treat the low paid workers like shit when they are the hardest working people there? Why do we put up with this?
-Why do we continue to drive or even purchase cars that get such poor economy?
-Why do we settle for cars that are half gas, half electric?
-Where are the "all electric" cars at?
-Why do we not have solar panels on every roof on every building, office and home?
-Why do we continue to waste so much water, knowing damn full well that we are running out of it?
-Why so we pay so damn much money (rent) to a person (landlord) that will allow us to live (tennancy) in their crappy little room that maybe has a toilet (appartment) and dare to call this "living."
-Why so we spend 40 hours (sometimes more) doing a "job" that we may or may not even like? Only to come home to a over priced room that we rent. Where we sit down in front of the television and drastically over eat, because we didn't have time to eat during out work week. All while getting high, as if that is going to solve your problems.
-Why

With an attatude of gradatude, the joys in life will appear bigger.

I look back at how my life have changed since January. This is when I made the biggest decisions in my life, quitting my job and moving out of my parents home. It’s funny how the first decision actually contradicts the second but in my mind made the second more possible. Life would have been easier this past year if I had kept my actual job as the trainer. But at the same time it would have held me back in other ways. I wouldn’t have grown as much on the plane that I have. I’ve learned more about wants versus needs, especially when it comes to money issues.
It hasn’t been easy to set aside the things I want for the things that I need because on some days I just didn’t have the money to buy frivolous items. I had to stick to the basics, bread/meat/fruit/veggies. No junk. It has not been hard for me to turn down sugar filled junk since I lost my apatite for those things back in junior high with the addition of braces to my mouth. These lessons in money and needs vs. wants has taught me much about myself. I have found it very empowering to live on very little. I call this another one of those Tracker moments. I have defied my parents and the typical social belief that you have to have a “good paying” job to be able to make it on your own. It certainly does help but doesn’t have to be the only thing in order to survive.
As far as work goes. I did what I could to make some money here and there. I put many hours into manifesting work for myself and even got creative with what I thought needed to be done in my new living area. I found the experience of working with Bob, to be freeing and enlightening as well. I was able to look on the bright side of being outdoors and free to choose work as it came and went. These were two options that I didn’t have in my previous line of work. My pay was more steady and slightly lower but it was more consistent.
It’s not that I’m in my twenties and “suddenly need to figure things out” but rather in my twenties and finding these life lessens on what has become a daily basis. Many situations have occurred in my life and each one has presented it’s own tasks to be grappled with. Lessens of love and heart, sex and intimacy, money, time management, lessons of judgment, lessons of food and health, lessons in trusting others and my own intuition, lessens in giving and receiving. Lessons in how to act mature vs. actually being mature. This doesn’t even include the lessons from tracker school. This list could go on and on, to the extent of filling many pages with the simple concepts that I have been made aware of. The point here is that I am very thankful for what has been given to me in my life and especially in the past 14 months. Tony’s generosity and patients has been more than a blessing to me, given my current set of circumstances and I am more than thankful.
I hope that the coming year brings more positive change into my life and others. I hope to spend more time working on my skills of spirit, healing, and tracking, mind, body and soul.
Namaste to all.
Thank you.

"Everyone and everything is my teacher."
-Stalking wolf.

-I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.
-I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.
-I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I honestly think that having my heart ripped out, like the Aztecs did, would be a lot less painful right now.

So much pain.

Bob Proctor says that "you will never attract anything into your life that isn't in harmony with your self."

How the fuck is this "in harmony with myself"

I'd sit and cry but I have no tears??? How the fuck is that possible?

"Everyone and everything is my teacher."
-Stalking wolf.

"Do what is in your heart for others will critisize you anyway." -Elenor Roosevelt

Master Song and I had a long conversation Tuesday after class. He spoke about all things in life and how they affect Judo, or rather how Judo affects everything in life. He told me not to worry about money but rather to just focus on Judo and that the money for my Judo practice will come. He also spoke of how he's "I'm 64 year old now. I no young any mo." And that there are few Grand Masters in the area to learn from. I felt like he was trying to sell me the idea of training under him, but what is weird is that I already have been sold on this. We spoke for an hour or more. I could hear the war zone like celebration going on out side. He spoke of how "you handle relationships in love and work and school and family, will be exactly how you handle relationship in Judo." This I had learned already from my experiences in high school football. Master Song told me about how relationships and my attitudes towards them will effect my Judo and vice versa. Maturity and patients go hand in hand. He spoke a lot of Jesse and how he doesn't handle things the way I do. That he and I are different people. That I can be a teacher for him and most of the students in our class. I mentioned that if I'd have stayed with Judo and not taken some time off from it that I could be working on my black belt by now. Master Song agreed with me and seemed to get excited. I could be one of the highest ranking students in the class at this point, but there is so much more to it that just the rank. Deep inside myself I don't feel like I'm all that skilled. I feel like the other students are stronger, faster and are better skilled than me. They are also more brutal and over reacting in their movements. Though Master Song says few of these skills are useful in a tournament. I have much to learn about that, and I really don't feel like being a participant in competition.
When our conversation was over and I walked to my car, it was quite war zone like out side. Crazy freaken people! I was excited over the election too but good god! I could only imagine the rioting if he didn't win.
When I listen to Master Song speak in class, I often feel like even though he's talking to or about something that another student is doing that he's talking directly to me. "You need to use more hip." "Soft shoulder an loose grip." I have found a few people in that class that take it as seriously as I do, or would like to. I guess I have to ask what is stopping me from being better in all ways. Well maybe I don't have to ask, I already know. But I do have to search myself for those answers as they are buried like all the answers in life.
I've always felt nervous before a promotional test and for some reason I was able to come to the conclusion that this test will be no more different than a day of hard class. All I need to do is review and practice more. I would make no difference if the test were tomorrow or on the 29th (like it originally was). Moving the test to the 22nd because of the holidays will make no difference in my Judo career.
There are few times in Judo class when all I have on my mind is Judo. I'm getting better at it though. Like all things in life it takes consistent practice. So today I have 2,000 sweeps to practice before I go to class. I wasn't able to make the time to get my 1,000 in yesterday. So I need to make up for that.
Last night while I dangle on the end of a rope at the top of every climb I did, I felt very insecure. With so many things in my life. Rock climbing has become a metaphor for my life as Judo has and as HS football did.
Well enough rambling I have to go finish my wood project.

"Everyone and everything is my teacher."
-Stalking wolf.